You know that icebreaker game that team leaders make you
play when you’re on a trip or getting to know new interns, etc: where everyone
goes around and says an adjective that matches the beginning sound of their
name, followed by their name? If I was forced to endure that tomorrow, I’d say “canceled
Casey,” and it’d be a pretty accurate description of my current place in life.
Not long after I last gushed about how perfect my situation
was here in Istanbul, it changed rather rapidly. This isn’t to say that
everything fell apart and I regret coming here; because I don’t. Unfortunately,
however, the au-pairing work turned out to be a bunch of cancellations, and
even after turning back to teaching I have received too many cancellation
notices to count. Too bad I can't cancel cancellations...
However, on my days of unemployment, I have spent extra time
with my Arabic partner and now very dear and close friend as well as some other
amazing people I have met here. I have learned to appreciate stability, of which
I have very little right now and I have simultaneously learned how to deal with
complete instability, which in ways helps me understand to a better degree
(albeit not fully) the way the refugees I love so dearly feel all the time.
The volunteering here has also been really great. It’s also
relatively spontaneous in nature, but it’s been very humbling and has increased
my flexibility. Ok now it sounds like I’m writing a cover letter, but you get
my drift. The staff at Caritas is incredibly friendly, supportive and eager to
give me as much experience as they can set up. They have even invited me to an
emergency preparedness seminar training, for which I am really excited.
Between the spontaneity of volunteering and the ever-changing
nature of paid work, my life plan usually doesn’t get cemented until halfway
through the current day, although I may have a rough idea the night before. This
lends itself to a stressed out, yet liberated Casey who feels a constant pull
between freefalling through an incredible canyon of experience and waiting for
the relief of touching ground again. Although, knowing myself, I’m likely to
want to freefall again as soon as I have that stability I supposedly want.
This all has been a very humbling, stressful, wonderful
experience, and although I had wanted to wait to write a new post till I had “good
news,” I think I needed to, tail between my legs, disclose the less bouncy walk
I’ve been walking since my last post and the many moments where I’ve melodramatically
stared into space and wondered what I’m doing with my life.
I’ve started applying for some actual jobs, one of which is
my dream job, and for which I meet all qualifications for, but I may have unfortunately
heard of it too late. Regardless, I’m applying for work and will hopefully find
something more consistent soon; or I will commit to spending 1-2 years in
Istanbul and teach for a more reliable company (that requires commitment) and
continue volunteering for and with some incredible people.
I am, in all this, so happy and grateful to be where I am. I’m
in one of the most beautiful (yet crowded) cosmopolitan cities in the world
with an incredible friend who can only be described as my sister and partner. I
honestly don’t know what I would have done these past few months without her.
Sure, I have AMAZING friends all over who would and even have helped me out
immensely. But there is something extra in having a sister with you who
understands you so deeply and loves you so strongly. There is not a detail of
my life I wouldn't and haven’t shared with her and its that openness and
dedication that has been my one ounce of stability—despite the fact that she is
also facing the same types of instability as me. Thank you Lindsey Jordan
Baker, for suggesting I come to Istanbul, for loving me like a sister, for dealing with my bad moods and bad temper not many see and for
being as weird and crazy as I am.
So no, no big exciting update; just me living in the moment, learning to be content, flexible and...patient...
